Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dead...without realizing it.


So, okay
2 things to do before you format your laptop are

1) save every file possible except those that are just total craps.
2) dont take everything as total craps.

n i mean it. Totally.

2 things to do if you have a blog

1) go update
2) don give reasons if you cant update; people don wanna know.

yeah, whatever...
at least, im here, back..
though its not even holiday, nor short two days break, or whatever that might sound as similar or under the definition of "staying at home in peace; away from the asrama torture essence"
in my kamus hidup (dictionary of life) la..

As a matter or fact, something came up
well, okay...
something bad came up
I got a serious injury that requires the usage of crutches, and to put it shortly,
even crutches couldnt help me anymore
they sent me back.

n so, because I have a blog n a formatted ie zero files-in-it computer, I chose to spend my night today, typing things down.
before another excuse could be jot down
n be read before the world.
so, no excuse today. the broadband thing is still on, the weather's ok, im not busy (yeah, coz i apparently cant move), n im not in mood for TV or books.
So, here I come.

Today, I'm gonna go slow.
Like, total slow.
Coz, to tell you the truth, thats how it has been going on somehow in my world, over this past few months.
things went pretty slow.
at least; on this particurlar issue.
the news didnt really hit it. Like it used to.

So, in my world, the regulars...
You know, how our faiths are being tested evryday. N how u dont know when can your faith go up and down and suddenly, befiore u know it, you have started accepting things u never did before...


I didnt get it why I cant go. When all my other friends could.

"It's the place where maksiat happens, girl."
"But...it's a childish movie. For God sake, which crazy couple would go n take that as a port"
"N if they do? You want a share of their sin?"
"No, but.."
"Don't take it as a norm. Once you allow its presence in your life, its hard to see the bad side of it anymore. Coz it is beautiful. In the eyes of the world;that is full of sin."

Tounge = cat got it.
Mind = still pending the message up all the way to the medulla oblongata.

When people are upset, they dont see anything as rational..
But people dont get upset for long
Espescially, if it is their parents, for the most.
N then, only did it sound quite.....quite similar.

Don't take it as a norm. Coz the second no is always the hardest.

To take movies outing as a norm, that wasnt really a part of my intention. The plan was basically, to go, watch, n come back. No biggies.
N I thought that was good enough,
at least, that I,
1) Am not watching some 18 SX, SG thing but prefer to go to some cartoon adapted movie instead.
2) Am not going with any of my friend, be it male or female, but preferred to take someone biologically related to me for that purpose.
3) Am not asking any money for that matter as well.
4) Am going to actually wear my usual attire without compromizing over the fact that "It's a cinema, gurl"
5) Will not buy any popcorns or soda; note taken.
6)Have never asked for this before and this is my first time for so long.
7)Am FaithHana, n I know what I'm doing. I've been over this. A hundred times.

Well, at least that's what I thought...
That there are compromises.
That you can actually tolerate with the situation, if you know how to play with it.
Coz you cant always say no to everything, rite?
Things like cinemas, concerts....has it place, if u know how to deal with it, rite?

For so many years I've said a total no to myself for cinema, n suddenly this year, out of nowhere, came the desire for me to take a step; a brave step I call it, n make a revolution.
Coz I thought it was safe enough.
N was good enough to control myself, n the situation.

But it wasn't,
N I wasn't any closer to that label itself. "Good enough to control"

Once you make it a norm, its hard to turn back. You can turn, but its hard. N its gonna be painful to let it go.

To go to a place where sins are there; where sins have happened there.
Where everyone knows whats going on there;
where its famoulsy well-known for it's aiding criteria that facilitates the to-dos there.
where people actually learn tricks on how to apply it there
n just to see on how it will work.

No, it's not about Alice in Wonderland
Coz, yeah, like how I argued, its a chuldish movie, not really another aiding factor for the couples...
but all the same, I got his point.

Dont make it a norm.

As in, today, it might be a childish movie..
tomorrow, when you dont see the bad side of it coz uve been blinded by the beauty...
u might as well think
that there hv never even existed a bad side
when there was
but only when u are rational, do u take it in.

once u allow a maksiat to go through your life, it continues....
once u gave it a chance to penetrate, you'll give as much excuses..

That was the lesson I learnt, that hit me back, just as I opened back this blog to write.
My fingers went numb.
Questions hit me one after another.

What? Am I gonna write about boycott again?...

when I cant even say no to boycotting something I've been boycotting all along
there comes one desire
n i let it in. Without considering....without furthur analysing..
n thank God, he was there to tell me, no. Full stop.

Boycott Israel product...
what's the point?

when i am still evolving myself life around maksiat.
when i am still saying yes to all other beauties...
to all that songs
n all that dramas
n all that celebs...

whats the point of covering urself from head to toe
of preventing urself from such thing as zina
when u cant even control ur tiny piece of heart
from liking it

whats the point of writing down in a blog called palestine
where u dreamt to end the war
n u cant even fight with yourself
when it comes to coping with reality
with what the trend is
n how everybody"s taking it.

I gave excuses
I was covered, my intention was sincere, it was nothing near what could happened that happened there
n i tried my best
to give a full neglection
to my guilty feeling
when i though
of how embarassing would it be if Rasulullah witness me going in there.
when i know i could have staryed away
as usual.
but because it was "in"
i prefered to let it "in", just this once.

Dont take it as a norm. It doesnt just start and end. It takes effort to plant that seed of acceptance n once it grows into a tree, ull have to pull it from the root, to get everything out.
N that"ll be a total hell of a pain
so, y bother planting..

because it would be fun

For how long?

Message = sent to medulla oblongata. Recieveing responses.

When it"s a haram, it"s a haram.
no matter how much you try to neutralize it.
N i didnt realize that...
for a while..

wonder what happened to me.
until i didnt see it.
once, after so long...

n if i dont take this seriously
one day
i might even say
"who cares"
to this,
this issue of Palestine. This issue I've been forever upholding..
Just like the princips i had about the cinema.
All washed away.
Because everyone"s doing it
Because it's a no biggie n why am i being such a nerd to take something that is not even a new trend to start off with.

when u make it a norm, it becomes a part of your life.
N from there on, start another new desire
for everyday, a new acceptance towards something...
that could be further "neutralized"
n it wont stop..
into creating a new you...
that accept things...
as long as that head is still covered, that dress isnt showing curves..
but whats the point
whats the point of shouting out aloud to the world to go and make a change
when you're changing
into something worse..
day by day

have this faith went so down i didnt realize it,
the one to blame....is still again, me
coz my hisab will still be on me
my mizan too
n i will have to go through that sirat nustaqim alone.
so, let it be
that the whole world is saying yes to it
'cause i wont have my share in it.

If I could really control myself
I wouldnt have had that dream to go there
I said I wanted to boycott Israel goods as their economy is powerful.

n if I said yes to cinema,
Ill be saying yes to McDonald eventually
n one day..
ill be like them
them, those in scarves girls that were eating prouldly at the dinner table in there
that shared the laughs and the joy out of every savoury bite in..

It isnt fair
there they are, dying, bleeding, still dared to stand up to take a rock and got shot.
Dying because of that burger.
N here we are
paying for that burger.

Because we said.
We cant say no to everything
at least, I donated to the Palestinians before
n whats the point if I"m the only one boycotting..
the iSraelis hv thousands of brands in their pockets
no matter what i alone, dom things cant be changed.

yeah, "neutralize it"
go, give excuses. as much.
be like me.
allow that thing in/
n once you said yes, it will be a forever yes.
too hard to turn back.
welcome to the family
as you are accepted.

I don"t believe it..
I don't believe I'm that stupid...

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by : FaithHana

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